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If you eat food that’s hers (or food you bought for yourself but she somehow claimed it as hers), she will cut you. When MJ was pregnant with Will she wanted pizza, Kit-Kats & grapefruit. But whatever the craving, one of the unmentioned side effects of pregnancy is YOUR weight gain. Mainly because we inevitably partake in her cravings and all the extra junk food results in a spare tire. Don’t Point Out How Big She’s Getting My Boston sports habit notwithstanding, I’m a fairly logical person. It starts with everyday occurrences like looking for her glasses while they’re on her head, which is kinda cute.Not physically perhaps, but by the time she’s finished excoriating you you’ll wish it was just a knife wound you suffered. Get Ready to Gain Weight Notice how all the topics so far have involved food? I gained 25 lbs during MJ’s pregnancy 5 years ago, just a shade under the total amount she gained — WITH THE BABY! I knew MJ was pregnant and pregnant women gain weight. “Pregnancy Brain” is Very Real I know it sounds like some sort of cutesy, media-created term. But it soon progresses to things like leaving the basement door open in 5-degree weather and freezing the entire bottom floor of the house while simultaneously leaving us susceptible to a home invasion.The bottom line is when she says she’s hungry, she means it.Feed that woman immediately or she will eat your fucking face.Instead, she brings them into the kitchen and puts them a foot away from the sink.Moreover, all of the coffee cups are half-filled and every bowl has a ton of soggy cereal remaining in it. You can’t mention any of them to your pregnant wife. Which means she’s got the trump card and all your complaints are hereby dismissed. I’m growing a human being in my stomach the size of a watermelon that I’ll eventually have to push out an opening the size of a lemon.

That “pregnant glow” you always hear about is real, mainly because she’s carrying around a few extra pints of blood which does wonders for her hair, her fingernails and — her rack.

Right at the end she’ll be so desperate to get the baby out of her that she’ll use you in the hopes that sex will send her into labor.

It’s slightly awkward, but after the drought it’s a welcome relief — as long as her water doesn’t break right then and there. Yes Her Boobs Are Bigger, No You Can’t Touch Them While we’re on the topic of sex, let me tell you about one of Nature’s cruelest tricks.

And that’s when I get the “I’M NOT MADE OF GLASS, STOP TREATING ME LIKE A PRINCESS! Oh well, husbands/boyfriends of pregnant women are damned if we do and damned if we don’t. Their bodies are growing, stretching and changing to accommodate said life. Case in point, a disturbing trend has emerged in the Daddy Files household the last few weeks.

MJ has not only stopped doing dishes, she’s no longer even attempting to put the dirty dishes in the sink.

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